By DICK WOLFSIE
My wife complains about it. I brag about it. I think I’m one of those gifted men who can do it any time I want, day or night. I can do it for 10 minutes or spend the bulk of an afternoon. And I don’t need some expensive pill. All I need is a bed. In fact, I don’t even need a bed. That’s how good I am.
Forgive me for shedding all pretense of modesty. I am the world’s greatest napper.
Please, please – no applause. You might wake me up. Though I doubt it. When I was a high school teacher, I actually fell asleep in class while proctoring a statewide exam. The kids were very polite. “I hope we didn’t disturb you yesterday, Mr. Wolfsie,” said one of my students. “We tried to cheat as quietly as we could.”
Here are some of my other conquests: I like to take a quick snooze while having dinner with friends, at stop signs, in movies, while waiting for my wife to put on makeup, while the dog is relieving himself, at fast food drive-up windows, in check-out lines, in the dentist’s office while waiting for root canal, in the dentist’s chair during root canal. “Wait a second,” you say. “What about in front of the TV?” Please, please, don’t confuse me with amateur nappers. It’s that kind of self-indulgent behavior that gives professional nappers a bad name.
I do admit to having some regrets. Due to my heroic napping, I have missed a few events that in retrospect I probably should have stayed awake for. Here are the top three:
1. The wonder of natural childbirth
2. Paris
3. My 60th birthday (I wish they had screamed “surprise” louder.)
Now, I know what some of you women out there are saying: “You’ve never seen my husband, Harry. He’s the worst.” Of course, Harry is reading this and saying, “Hey Wolfsie, you should see me. I’m the best.”
Why do men and women place such different values on the siesta? Personally, I think women are afraid they’re going to miss something. Like a sale, or a beautiful sunset, or the plot of a movie. Men don’t care about stuff like this. If a woman should fall asleep during the day due to some freak circumstance, she would awaken with an apology to her family and an explanation of her behavior. “I don’t know what happened! That’s just not like me. Why, I don’t think I’ve done anything like that since we were married. I must be coming down with something.” Men have a different attitude when awakening from a short slumber: “Man, that was a good nap. No, that was a great nap. You know, I’m getting better and better at this all the time.”
Sometimes I worry about my son. As a toddler, he almost rivaled me, often falling asleep after a satisfying meal, sometimes actually sneaking in a nap before going to bed. I had great hopes for him. But lately I’ve begun to worry. No one wants to be disappointed in his own children, but I already see some disturbing signs: He reads an entire book without a yawn, gets through two video games without a stretch, and can actually sit through a movie without digging his nails into his thigh to wake himself up.
But he’s just a junior in college and there is hope.
Dick Wolfsie is an on-air personality at WISH-TV Channel 8 and weekly contributor to the Kokomo Tribune. Contact him at Wolfsie@aol.com.
