By DICK WOLFSIE
My wife walked in the house last night at 10 p.m. I had been watching my 27th documentary on Michael Jackson’s life, so I figured I could miss one more clip from “Thriller.”
“Where have you been?” I asked.
“Getting my hair cut,” she said nonchalantly.
I believed her. I knew she wouldn’t do anything behind my back. Clearly someone had done something behind her back. Her hair was straighter and had some trendy color streaks throughout.
“You were at the hairdresser since you left work at 6?” I asked, a bit incredulous.
“Well, I wasn’t there the whole time, silly. I stopped to pick up a prescription at the drug store.”
“You’re telling me that the reason you’re four hours late is that you also stopped at CVS?”
“Well, the drive-thru was closed.”
Unlike Mary Ellen I approach errands with an organized vengeance. Here’s my list for last Saturday morning. As you will see, my wife was listless. That’s the difference.
1. Pick up dry cleaning
2. Buy new trashcan
3. Get oil change
4. Return DVD
5. Deposit check
6. Return Speedo swimsuit
7. Buy dog food
I left the house at 9:30 and was home by noon. I would have been back sooner, but I had a breakfast meeting and stopped for an early lunch. When I do errands, I’m on a mission.
Here was my wife’s “to do” list that same morning:
1. Return defective pantyhose
2. Get new pantyhose
She also left the house at 9:30. At 4:30 in the afternoon, she called to say she’d be home by 5.
“How can it take 6 hours to return pantyhose?”
“I also had some books to take back to the library.”
“Did you take them back to the Library of Congress?”
For the entire 30 years of our marriage, Mary Ellen has run errands every Saturday. I wouldn’t say she’s gone a long time, but the WISH-TV employees’ manual would consider it a leave of absence. Maybe she’s just trying to avoid spending too much time with her high-maintenance husband. So I decided to test this theory.
“Mary Ellen, this Saturday I’ll run all your errands for you as soon as I finish my errands. I’ll be home in just an hour and we can spend the rest of the afternoon together.”
“Great! I need a present for a bridal shower. And you’ll also need to get pretty wrapping paper and a bow to go with it. And don’t try to squirm out of this. I know you’re on your way to buy a new lawn mower. Just stop at the gift store for me on the way back.”
I could see it all now. I’m speeding home that morning when I’m pulled over by the police ...
“What’s that in the back seat, Mr. Wolfsie?”
“Well, officer, I don’t want to brag, but it’s a 4.5 horsepower Briggs and Stratton.”
“Wow, you are one lucky guy. I notice you also purchased a lovely chafing dish and some wedding shower paper color-coordinated with a pink bow.”
Back to reality, I said to my wife, “Look, Mary Ellen, if I do this for you, you have to run a few manly errands for me.”
“Like what?”
“Let’s see. How about picking up a bottle of Jack Daniels, a copy of Playboy and a small handgun?”
“Dick, this is silly. Whiskey makes you nauseous, Playboy depresses you, and you’re scared to death of firearms.”
“Then how about a six-pack of Dr. Pepper and a copy of People Magazine?”
“Deal. But this is going to take several hours.”
“Oh, take your time. I’m going to mow the lawn.”
• Dick Wolfsie is an on-air personality at WISH-TV Channel 8 and weekly contributor to the Kokomo Tribune. Contact him at Wolfsie@aol.com.
