I don’t care if my wife goes through my pockets looking for money. I have no problem with her opening mail that is addressed to me. She can peek at my text messages all she wants. No big deal. But please, Mary Ellen, do not mess with my To Do list.
For almost 30 years, I have created such a list each night, having resisted technological advances: I have successfully poo-pooed Palm Pilots, bypassed BlackBerrys and ignored iPhones. Instead, I write my daily obligations on a mini yellow legal pad, each entry carefully arranged in chronological order, taking into account the route that must be negotiated the next day and the importance of the event. I fiddle with it all evening, often reconstructing it to account for each new activity that crops up. Just adding something to the bottom of the page would be unconscionable, so it must be recast to accurately reflect the change. The next morning I am comforted by the list, knowing all the work behind its apparent simplicity. I consider it a piece of art.
I knew something was amiss last week when I left Greenwood after a meeting, drove back to Indy to replace a burned-out light bulb in our garage and clean the cat’s litter box, then raced back to Greenwood for lunch.
“Mary Ellen, have you done anything lately behind my back?”
“A bright guy like you? I’d never get away with it.”
She had a point. Nevertheless, I had just driven 60 miles to clean a litter box and change a light bulb, so I was in no position to dwell in the intellectual limelight. My wife has always had unique ways of getting me to do chores. She resists coming right out and asking. Instead, she resorts to trickery and skullduggery.
“Dick, you know those Colts play-off tickets? I think they flew up on the roof. I’m sure you’ll find them while you’re cleaning out the gutters.” I mean, how dumb do I look? It only took me three seasons to catch on to that little game.
Sometimes she leaves me notes in lipstick on the bathroom mirror. “Dick, you great big handsome guy, just look at yourself. By the way, please unclog my shower drain.” My wife seems to find me more attractive immediately after she’s washed her hair.
And then there was the time a few years back when I accidentally overheard her talking very loudly on the phone to her friend. “Pat, this will be such a great surprise for Dick’s birthday with all his friends flying in from all over the country. I just hope they don’t trip on that broken step at the front porch.”
The next day I fixed the step. Never got a party. This was a bigger surprise than I thought.
“Mary Ellen, I’m tired of all this chicanery. We are going to start a new system. If you want me to do a chore, you just come right out and ask me. Is that a deal?”
“It’s a deal. Now could you please clean up the storeroom downstairs?”
“Not this weekend. I’m watching a big golf match on TV.”
“Could you fix the latch on the screen door?”
“Sorry, I don’t have the right tools.”
“Well, could you clean the fireplace?”
“You need a professional for that.”
“Dick, this new system of yours doesn’t work.”
“Works for me.”
Dick Wolfsie is a television news reporter, syndicated humor columnist and author. He can be reached at Wolfsie@aol.com.
Opinion
Wolfsie: Tricky to-do lists
- Opinion
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Move over, Ind. drivers
Keep highway and utility workers safe; remember to pull over for utility vehicles.
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May 18, 2013: Cheers & Jeers
Commissioner earns respect of inmates
Kyle Stacy sends this Cheer for Howard County Commissioner Paul Wyman:
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House of Burgess: The revolution will be printed
Another major milestone in the history of 3D printing was reached earlier this month when Cody Wilson, director of the nonprofit Defense Distributed, announced he had conducted the first-ever successful test firing of a completely 3D-printed gun in (where else?) Texas. Wilson then uploaded the plans online. These files were then downloaded over 100,000 times over the next 48 hours. That was, until the State Department intervened.
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Hayden: From good to great in education
On the campaign trail last year and early into his administration, Indiana Gov. Mike Pence said repeatedly that his goal as governor would be to take Indiana from “good to great.”
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Mom’s simple advice still presents a valuable challenge
Most moms don’t base their advice on scientific research. Instead, their words of wisdom come from a greater source — the heart, where they store and process life experiences. Unfortunately, some folks don’t receive the gift of maternal guidance, for various reasons.
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Wolfsie: Making bird calls
One afternoon in 2011, my friend Eric spent a couple of hours over lunch explaining Twitter to me and I thought I understood it all, but as you’ll see from my first few tweets, I wasn’t very confident: “Is anyone getting this?”
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Letter to the Editor: May 13, 2013
Good people wouldn’t do this to their neighbors. This common refrain is being heard over eastern Howard County where industrial development is planned for our farmland in the form of massive wind turbines.
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Vasicek: Mother’s Day stresses
For two hours, the lady sitting next to another airplane passenger boasted about her grandchildren, producing a barrage of photographs. She finally realized that she had been talking the whole time, so she tried to make amends:
“Oh, I am sorry! I have monopolized the conversation. I will listen to you now. So please tell me: what do you think of my grandchildren?” -
Letters to the Editor: May 12, 2013
How fortunate, that after years of trying to bring top-notch wind energy companies to Tipton County, this great choice is here for us — just at the right time. Tipton County badly needs the revenue from clean wind farm companies.
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Cheers & Jeers: May 12, 2013
“A big cheer goes out to Kokomo for those who parked along the route to cheer on the bikes and to the riders who participated in the 11th Annual Ride For The Troops on Sunday, April 28. Despite the rain, we had a excellent turnout of 457 bikes!"
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Move over, Ind. drivers
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